7 min read
You need emotional closeness to want sex. They need sex to feel emotionally close. When your sex life is a mess or nonexistent, it’s important to consider whether your partner might be emotionally unavailable.
When a committed couple has been together for sometime, it’s not uncommon for your sex life to wax and wane. And it’s important to note – this shift in your sex life isn’t inherently problematic.
It often becomes problematic when you feel like your partner is raising concerns about your desire for the millionth time. Or you’re constantly being bombarded with questions about your disinterest in sex, that lead you to believe the problem – is you. Causing further distance between you.
But what if the problem isn’t that your sex life is a mess, it’s that there’s an emotional rift between you two, causing issues in the bedroom?
Because the truth is, when you have mismatched libidos in a long-term relationship, it’s important to look beyond the bedroom – and focus on your relationship as a whole.
Do you feel emotionally close to your partner?
Cared for?
Appreciated?
Because if you don’t – that is very likely standing in the way of you being able to access your desire. And this is especially true when you’re in a relationship where your partner wants sex more often than you do.
If something feels “off” in your emotional connection with your partner, it can be hard to get in touch with your feelings of desire. Because for many people, their desire is turned on when they feel emotionally close. And equally, their desire is dialed down – when they feel distanced from their partner.
When one partner becomes the “norm” for how much desire is normal in a relationship, it sets up a power struggle.
If they have the “right amount” of libido and you have the wrong amount – somehow the loss of connection and closeness becomes your fault.
And this, in turn, causes you to feel less in touch with your feelings of desire, and hampers your emotional connection – the foundation of your relationship.
Why? Because sex isn’t just about sex.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Sex is about how you relate to yourself, your body, and your desires.
It’s also about how you communicate with your partner.
How you share and express love.
How you help each other and support each other in life.
And how you share the mental load of life- from taking care of kids, to parents, to looking out for one another.
Great sex can often be the result of the other parts of your relationship excelling. Because when your connection is aligned – your feelings of desire usually follow.
So, if you’re the kind of person who can’t even think about sex, let alone have it, when your relationship is lack-lustre – then you probably won’t want to be close or sexual at all.
When you’re in a relationship with different levels of desire – it’s inevitable it will cause problems from time to time. And sometimes, what makes it hard to resolve these problems – is a partner who is emotionally unavailable.
If you have a partner who talks negatively about your lack of desire because they feel you should want sex just as much as they do – it hurts. Even if they don’t mean to – that’s what their words do.
And once words are uttered that cut through you like a knife – the lack of emotional connection you already feel can become even bigger.
And this rift can cause you to experience your partner as emotionally unavailable, setting up a painful dynamic of right and wrong between you both.
But, for your partner, putting words to their feelings might be really hard.
If you haven’t had sex in a long time, they may feel ignored or undesirable. They may even feel afraid that something about your relationship is failing or broken. Because they love you – and don’t want to lose you.
And instead of vocalizing the hurt they’re experiencing, they lash out.
Why?
Because to them, sex is a way of being close to you. Sex may be the expression they need in order to feel close (which also might be the reason why they enjoy makeup sex so much).
And when sex is not available, they clam up and become emotionally unavailable to you – or your relationship as a whole.
And the thing is, when they blame you for your lack of desire or constantly try to initiate sex (sometimes it feels like it’s 24/7, right?) – they miss the real emotions underneath. The stuff that’s driving their behaviour; fear and vulnerability.
This causes a rift between you. Because they’re blaming you for your lack of desire, but really it’s much deeper than that.
Arguments about sex rarely heal the sexual and emotional divide you may be feeling. Instead – arguments like these leave you feeling further apart. Because the safety required between you that can lead to increased desire – gets eroded over time.
Because to your partner – you need to have more sex, to solve things.
And to you, you need to feel closer emotionally, to solve it.
And there’s nothing wrong with either of you.
Below are two common ways people express emotional unavailability. They can serve as clues to you when your partner lashes out or feels closed off. And they can also be signs of other troubling issues in your relationship that might need some care and repair.
But the thing is – if you’re in a loving, committed relationship and most of your arguments center around sex – it’s usually something you can solve. It’s not a red flag that means the end.
When someone is emotionally unavailable they tend to be standoffish in how they connect with people they love. They might show this through non-verbal communication.
Examples of this are:
And when your partner is standoffish, you tend to feel a sense of discomfort around them.
In many cases, you might even feel yourself monitoring your own communication skills, so as not to start an argument or make your partner uncomfortable.
Standoffish behaviour in your partner makes it difficult to connect on a meaningful level. Because the natural give and take of validation is hard when your partner isn’t in contact with their own emotions.
One crucial piece of connecting emotionally with your partner, is to express your feelings. And when you can’t do this it often leads to resentment on both sides.
The partner who doesn’t share their worry about the situation, easily becomes resentful that their partner isn’t meeting their expectations. Even if those expectations have never been fully expressed.
And the partner who is attempting to connect emotionally, is left to question what is going wrong? What is their partner thinking and feeling, really? When this happens, it’s easy to project their own fears onto the partner who appears emotionally unavailable.
And all of this leads to increased anxiety about your relationship. The kind of anxiety that further decreases sexual desire and closeness, leading you to feel frustrated and alone.
When it comes to emotional unavailability and struggling with different levels of desire – the solution isn’t always a straight forward one. And it usually takes time and effort in order to reap the rewards of an emotionally and sexually satisfying bond.
But when you’re committed to your partner, and can start to see the ping-pong effect of desire and emotional closeness, you can mitigate the resentment and blame. The stuff that’s likely been built up over time.
You don’t have to change the very fabric of your being. You just need help starting to communicate in a way your partner understands, and getting in touch with your emotions.
I’m a sex therapist and have helped countless couples fix issues in their sex lives. And mismatched libidos and low desire is my specialty. With my guidance, you and your partner will learn how to better communicate and foster a sense of closeness. One that springboards your sex life into a happier, healthier place.
Learn more about Re:Desire, my 9-month 1:1 support-program designed to transform couples’ sex lives. Without wacky sex positions, lime-flavoured lube, or pressure and stress-tactics. Redeeming your sexual & emotional connection to one another is possible – for you, too.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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