I Have No Sex Drive and It’s Ruining My Relationship

First published 11th November, 2021. Updated 31th Mars, 2025.

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Has your low sex drive started to create tension between you and your partner? You’re definitely not alone – many face this challenge. The good news? There are plenty of ways to bring back desire for sex—without having to rely on things like lime-flavoured lube or entirely complicated positions.

As a sex therapist specializing in low desire, and with over 8 years of experience, I want you to know that rediscovering your libido is possible. Even if it may not feel like that right now.

It’s Normal to Experience Low Libido and Worry About Its Effect on Your Relationship

Despite what movies and social media would have you believe, an active sex life isn’t necessarily a sign of a perfect relationship. Even in loving, committed partnerships, sexual desire shifts—and sometimes dramatically. 

If you have no sex drive, it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong – with you, your partner, or your relationship. Understanding the natural fluctuations of libido can help ease any concerns you may have. This doesn’t, however, mean you have to accept low libido – but more about that later. 

Low Libido Can Affect Everyone

A drop in sexual desire is common. Research shows that about one in three women experience low libido, and 13-28% of men. While there’s less research on non-binary and gender-diverse individuals, the numbers are probably similarly frequent. 

If your libido feels lower than usual, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. In fact, it’s often a sign that deeper emotional, physical, or relational factors are at play—and exploring those can be a positive step forward.

You see, sex drive isn’t a fixed trait or simple hormonal urge. Even if that’s what pop culture would have us believe. It’s an emotion that can be influenced by both internal and external factors, sometimes in unexpected ways. (I go into more detail on this in my blog post about how emotions control sex.)

Why Women’s Sexual Desire Fluctuates

A variety of factors can contribute to low libido in women, such as:

• Biological: Certain medications, including antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), can lower sexual desire. Phases in life such as menopause or pregnancy can also negatively affect libido.
  
  
• Psychological: Body image concerns or mental health struggles such as depression or anxiety, can make intimacy feel less appealing, or unwanted altogether.
  
  
• Relationship-Based: An emotional disconnect or ongoing conflicts with your partner (about sex or otherwise) can suppress desire and have you longing for more distance than closeness.
  
  
• Cultural Influences: The belief that a dwindling sex drive signals a failing relationship, or that you get turned on by the wrong things, can add pressure and shame – and pressure and shame often kills desire.
  
  

Many women are also socialized to prioritise caregiving and take on the bulk of household responsibilities—often without discussion. This can have especially dire effects in opposite-sex relationships, as men aren’t socialized to take on the mental load. 

If you’re constantly keeping on top of the laundry, organising family schedules, or planning all the weekly meals, it’s no surprise that sex might not be top of mind. Add to that notifications pinging on your phone all day long, and unanswered texts occupying your mind, and is it any wonder you’re not itching for a round in the sack?

Desire thrives when your brain has the space to focus on pleasure. That doesn’t mean you need to overhaul your life (let’s be realistic here!), but reducing mental overload can help reignite your libido.

Why Men Struggle with Low Libido

There’s a cultural myth that men should always be ready for sex—and that’s simply not true. Many men, just like women and those who identify as non-binary or elsewhere on the gender spectrum, experience fluctuations in their sex drive.

Men’s libido can be affected by multiple factors:

• Biological: Low testosterone or medications such as antidepressants can have a negative effect on sexual desire.
  
  
• Psychological: Anxiety about performance, struggles with self-esteem (both sexual or otherwise), as well as financial stress, can all take a toll on your desire and erectile capabilities.
  
  
• Relationship-Based: Emotional or physical distance from a partner can lower sexual desire.
  
  
• Cultural Pressures: Societal pressures surrounding sex such as lasting particularly long in bed, or being able to get and maintain an erection on the spot can negatively impact desire.
  
  

Because of the way a lot of cultures view men and male sexuality, sexual desire is closely linked to many men’s sense of self-worth. If you experience low libido, it can shake your confidence and make it even harder to reignite your sex drive—no matter how much you love your partner or find them attractive

How Sex Drive Naturally Changes Over Time

As mentioned earlier, sex drive isn’t a fixed biological need—it’s an emotional state that naturally shifts over time. Even if you’re happy in your relationship, other factors like stress, the hum-drum of everyday life, and emotional connection, all influence your levels of desire.

So, if you’ve noticed you’re having less sex, no need to panic. A temporary decrease in libido doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. 

In fact, taking the pressure off can actually help your desire return.

The Role of Ageing in Loss of Libido

Ageing brings about many changes, and shifts in sexual response are part of them.

For example, menopause can affect physical arousal, sometimes causing vaginal dryness and decreased elasticity in vaginal tissue but that doesn’t mean desire has to fade. Some people actually enjoy sex more as they age, finding greater confidence and less pressure to meet unrealistic societal expectations.

Whether your libido increases or decreases over time, ageing also brings freedom—many people report feeling more comfortable with their sexuality than ever before.

Ways to Boost Your Sex Drive (If That’s Your Goal)

If you’re struggling with a low sex drive and want to change that, it’s entirely possible to. The important thing to know is that it’s not about quick fixes. There are no magic pills (even if that would be ideal, right?).

The key to boosting sexual desire is identifying and addressing the root causes. Otherwise it’s like trying to put a bandaid over an open wound – it might temporarily mask the issue, but it won’t really heal. 

Your sex drive is deeply connected to your whole self. 

This means increasing libido often starts with making broader changes that support your overall personal happiness and connection with your body.

Lifestyle and relationship changes, such as reducing stress, improving sleep, and addressing any unresolved conflicts, can also have a significant impact on your sexual health. If you suspect an underlying medical issue, consulting a healthcare professional may help you find a solution.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it – regaining your desire may take time, but the process of reconnecting with yourself and your pleasure can be rewarding too. 

However, if you don’t want to have more sex (or sex at all) that’s perfectly alright, too. 

The important thing is to figure out what feels right for you and your partner.

From Low Libido To a Thriving Sex Drive

Do You Really Want to Reignite Your Desire?

As a sex therapist focusing on low and mismatched libidos, I’ve spent years helping people reconnect with their sexual desire and their partner. 

A crucial first step in this journey is understanding whether you truly want to increase your libido.

Without this clarity, you might unknowingly be blocking your own progress.

Let’s break it down.

If your first thought is, “Yes, I want to feel more desire for sex,” take a moment to check in with your body.

Sometimes, we instinctively say yes, but beneath the surface, there’s hesitation, a fear of sorts. Perhaps you notice a change in your breathing pattern, or you feel a knot in your stomach. 

You want to reclaim that part of yourself, but somewhere inside there’s resistance. 

What if you try and nothing changes? Does that mean something is fundamentally wrong with you? That your relationship is doomed? That the passion of the early days is forever out of reach?

Left unchecked, these fears can turn into rigid barriers – ruining every attempt to get your sexual desire back.

Because if, deep down, you don’t believe change is possible – your mind will work to confirm that belief—even if it’s not true.

For example:

• Your partner kisses you, and you feel instantly uneasy—proof, you think, that things won’t improve.
  
  
• They initiate sex, and you think, “Why bother? It won’t work anyway.”
  
  
• You and your partner make out or even start having sex but you constantly question whether you’re responding “correctly,” reinforcing the belief that sexual desire and arousal just isn’t there.
  
  

If this sounds familiar, and you’re thinking, “My low sex drive is ruining my relationship” or “My partner is upset because I don’t want sex,” there are steps you can take to change this. 

Let’s explore how below.

Understanding the Root Causes of Low Libido

Many of us immediately look for ways to boost our sex drive, instead of understanding why it’s gone in the first place.

Articles and blog posts often suggest spicing things up with new sex positions,novel places or sexy underwear

While these might bring a temporary spark, they don’t address the deeper emotional or relationship factors likely affecting your desire.

Because a new position won’t erase the pressure you feel around sex.

Lingerie won’t create emotional closeness if that fundamental connection is missing with your partner.

To truly want sex again, you need to understand why you currently don’t. This often means exploring your thoughts and beliefs about sex and sexual intimacy.

Skipping this step can lead to frustration when superficial solutions don’t work, reinforcing negative emotions around intimacy.

This cycle of stress and struggles getting out of your head during sex, feeling stressed out by sex, and sexual avoidance, can push you and your partner further apart. Sometimes you even begin avoiding affection altogether, afraid that it will lead to expectations you can’t meet.

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WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Yes, please!

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When Your Partner is Mad About Your Low Libido

Mismatched libidos in relationships are incredibly common. In fact, from my experience working with couples, I’d say it’s more the norm than the exception.

But because sex is such a personal topic, we don’t often hear about others experiencing the same struggles. It goes without saying that this can make you feel alone in your situation.

Here’s what you need to know: if you have no sex drive and your husband is mad or your wife is giving you the silent treatment – this doesn’t mean you owe them sex.

Your partner’s feelings are valid—it’s painful to feel unwanted. But your feelings matter too. And let’s be honest—guilt and pressure don’t exactly fuel desire, right? Arguments about sex rarely make intimacy more appealing.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Low Desire

When you have different sex drives, communication is essential. And when and how you talk about sex makes a big difference. 

Often conversations like these happen at the worst of times—like when your partner initiates sex and you turn them down again. In these moments, emotions run high, and discussions can quickly turn into hurtful conflict.

Perhaps you lash out and tell your partner that the only thing they ever care about is sex. Maybe they retaliate and tell you something’s wrong with you for never wanting it. 

Over time, these words build a wall between you two, making it harder to get close and feel loved.

To make sure your conversation leads to productive change (whatever that change may be) try and choose a time when you’re both relaxed or neutral. This will likely completely change how the conversation unfolds.

• Start by sharing how difficult this topic feels for you. Being vulnerable can help your partner lower their defences, knowing they’re not the only one struggling.
  
  
• Let them know your low libido isn’t a choice, and that you see and understand their frustration. But also emphasize that sexual desire isn’t something you can just switch on (because that’s not how sex drive works).
  
  
• If you’re open to working on getting desire back, express that. Sometimes the partner with more desire has no idea that that is the case, and simply hearing it may help them feel better.
  
  
• If they have a pattern of getting angry when sex doesn’t happen, or you say no whenever they initiate, ask them to avoid reacting with frustration, as pressure makes things even harder for you (as it does everyone!).
  
  
• Remember, acknowledging their feelings doesn’t mean taking on blame. No one is right or wrong here—you’re just different. And how you navigate those differences will define your relationship moving forward.
  
  

Using these strategies, along with the extra communication tips in this blog post about talking to your partner about sex, makes it far likelier that your conversation will be open and productive. 

When you approach the conversation as a team, you create a space where both of you feel heard and supported—turning a tough discussion into an opportunity for deeper connection.

When this happens, instead of feeling like you have an overly demanding partner, you begin to see them as someone you genuinely desire again.

Your Relationship Can Heal

A low sex drive can feel like an overwhelming problem—one that makes you wonder if your relationship can survive. But if you’re willing to take small steps toward change, know there’s hope.

First, get clear on whether you truly want to reclaim your libido. Next, identify what’s blocking your desire. Finally, have open, pressure-free conversations with your partner where both of you feel heard and supported.

By following these steps—grounded in sex therapy and relationship coaching—you can shift from feeling distant and discouraged to reconnecting with pleasure and intimacy.

The kind of sex and closeness that strengthens your bond and reignites your connection. Because you deserve that. And it’s absolutely possible.

If you’re ready for a structured, step-by-step approach to rebuilding your sex drive and intimate connection my on-demand course, Re:Desire, is for you.

Rooted in sexological science, therapeutic tools, and coaching strategies, Re:Desire offers a pressure-free way to rekindle passion and connection in your relationship.