7 minute read
When your partner wants sex all the time and you feel completely turned off and never in the mood – it can be hard on your relationship. If this sounds like you, know you’re not alone and there are lots of things you can do to change it.
To do this successfully – you need to first understand what is really going on, by asking yourself why you’re turned off.
Because once you get that ironed out – the actual experience of being asked for sex all the time might just take on a whole new meaning.
Because your feelings about sex might not only have to do with the sex itself – but with how you’re viewing your partner’s initiatives.
Let’s dig a little deeper.
For instance, they may say:
“You look sexy…”
Or, “do you want to have sex tonight?”
Or as soon as you put the kids to bed, they’re there – grabbing at you.
Sex can be initiated in various ways and sometimes it’s simply the way sex is being asked for that’s turning you off.
In this case, it’s usually less about not wanting to have sex – so much as it’s not wanting sex when it’s initiated in this specific way.
It’s also important to keep in mind- that when your partner asks for sex all of the time – it may simply be they’re hoping that one of the times will actually result in sex.
So while it may seem like your partner is horny 24/7, that may not be the case. It may be more a matter of repetitive asking in the hopes that one of the times – you’ll say yes. That somehow, they will figure out the right way or the right timing to get closer to you.
Beyond working out whether it’s the way sex is initiated or sex altogether that is turning you off – it’s also important to explore what kind of role sex plays in your relationship. Because it may very well fill different roles for you and your partner.
Your partner may ask for sex often because that is how they express their love for you. They want to be close and sex creates that feeling of being as one..
But, for you – sex might be something you only really want once you already feel close to your partner. Perhaps even after you feel close to your partner.
So, while it may seem like your partner wants it all of the time and that it’s a purely sexual or animalistic thing – it might just be a desire to get emotionally close. Or to co-regulate through touch because they’re feeling touch-starved.
When you look at it in that way and consider the different ways you and your partner use sex – it can lessen the stress or frustration that comes for you when your partner wants it yet again.
And once you’ve worked out what it is that makes you feel turned off, that’s when you can consider how to talk with your partner about your different libidos.
It’s not just the content that changes how you as a couple can approach sex differently. It’s the way you say things and the way you approach the conversation.
Therefore, it’s important to approach it as a team (even if that might sound cheesy!). That you’re mutually trying to solve your sexual differences or your sexual difficulties together – as opposed to putting the blame on one another. Something we so often do, not because we’re not nice people – but because we’re struggling to understand what’s going on and how it can be fixed.
Blaming your partner is easy to do in situations like these. And one of the reasons you often default to blame – is that sex is something people rarely talk about – not even with their closest friends.
When a topic like this becomes taboo or secretive – it leads us to become vulnerable to our own thoughts and ideas.
And part of why this is problematic – is because this often leads to a negative headspace that becomes unchallenged.
One where you think something is wrong with your partner for wanting sex all the time. Or that something is wrong with you for feeling like you’re never interested in sex.
Over time, this creates so much pressure it often feels easier to ignore it or to default to a belief that something is wrong with your partner.
Because dealing with the guilt or confusion head-on, is painful.
And the same thing goes for your partner too. They might be thinking there’s something wrong with you because you’re “never interested in sex”. And their way to deal with the rejection – is to blame you
What starts out as a subconscious way of dealing with how your sexless relationship is making you feel – turns into a block that pushes you further away from one another. And further away from a solution.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Here’s the thing – as a sex therapist and coach with years of experience dealing with couples with mismatched libidos, in my experience – the only way to really approach this is from a place of love and team-effort.
When you do this – neither of you are wrong, and both of your experiences can be validated and tended to.
Because neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. It’s just different experiences of a shared romantic activity – sex.
When approaching this conversation, there are lots of things you can do to ensure it goes as smoothly as possible. So you can create butterflies, instead of contention.
Remember to Include not only the things that turn you off, but to also share the things that turn you on. This makes it much easier for your partner to initiate sex in a way that works for you.
If you feeling completely turned off – it might be hard to think of anything that is a turn-on at all.
If this sounds like you – reframe the question from: “what turns me on?” to “what would feel 10%” better for me”
For example, you may dislike when your partner grabs your bum before giving you a kiss. If so,, what could they do that feels 10% better than that?
Perhaps you would like it if they stroked your arm or your back before the kiss?
And if that’s still too much, roll back another 10%. Have them simply stroke your arm for longer, before even attempting a kiss.
The simple idea is to work it backwards with incremental improvements. To go from what happens now that feels like a turnoff, to what would make it 10% better? This way you don’t share a long laundry list of things you don’t want, with no suggestions for improvement.
When it comes to a partner who wants sex all of the time, as the low desire partner, it’s easy to feel like you need to reciprocate as soon as they’re in the mood. And if this pattern of you feeling turned off – is repeated for months or years – it starts to create guilt.
You start to feel like because they’re horny – you should be too. Or that you’re being mean for not having sex more often.
But it’s important to remind yourself that just because they feel a certain way – you don’t have to feel the same.
just as your partner might come home angry or sad, it doesn’t mean you have to feel that way, too. And while this may sound obvious to you – it’s important to work out whether this is how you’ve been thinking and feeling about their desire.
Often in monogamous relationships, people feel responsible for their partner’s levels of desire (whether there is lots or none).
And when you feel responsible for their desire – it easily gets conflated with their desire being your responsibility.
Like it’s part of the relationship agreement or the marital contract to both feel desire at the same time.
But this kind of thinking can keep couples trapped in an emotionally stressful and frustration cycle around their mismatched libidos. And it can also turn sex from a consensual experience to a non-consensual one.
At the end of the day – experiencing sexual difficulties or mismatched sex drives is really common. It, however, doesn’t mean they don’t affect you and your relationship greatly.
If you’re looking to turn things around, it’s important to really work out what your turn-offs are about.
Are they about having sex in general, or is it because of the way your partner initiates sex? Is there unspoken blame that is creating a wedge between you and your partner? Pushing you apart as opposed to moving you towards a solution?
Sometimes, just getting the conversation going from a team perspective – is enough to turn the ship around.
If you’d like help turning this around – then my online support program Re:Desire is just the thing for you. Re:Desire is the whole solution that will help you increase desire, intimacy & closeness without pressure and stress (because you don’t need any more of that stress). It’s built on sexological science, coaching & psychotherapeutic tools, plus my extensive experience as a sex therapist and coach. All to help you go from sparkless and annoyed – to toe-curling, touch-me-again sex.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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