The Difference Between Sex & Intimacy

5 minute read

When it comes to sex and intimacy, there are two conflicting ideas most of us believe at the same time; to be truly intimate in a relationship we need to have sex – and that intimacy at the same time is way deeper than what sex has to offer us. This puts us in a bit of a pickle, turning it into a competition of intimacy vs sex – as opposed to understanding how the two work together. 

In this piece, we’re diving into the difference between sex and intimacy from the perspective of a sex therapist and intimacy coach (me!).

Is it really about sex vs intimacy?

What is sex

Our culture at large has a narrow view of what sex is. Sex is often thought of as a purely physical event. Whether it’s about solo sex or partner sex, we tend to view it as a pleasurable act that involves our genitals. 

However – sex isn’t only about the physical. 

For a lot of people, sex also involves the mental aspect. Things like fantasies and dirty talk stimulate our brain and turn us on. They can even bring us pleasure in and of themselves. For some, even just talking about erotic ideas can be enough to orgasm. 

Another skewed view a lot of us have (unless we question it), is that sex is an activity that involves several components leading to a “main event”. 

In heterosexual relationships, this main event often defaults to vaginal penetration, unless discussed openly beforehand. While there’s nothing wrong with penetration, it’s not everyone’s favourite part (despite what pop culture would have us believe!).

At the end of the day, you get to define what constitutes sex for you and in your relationship. It could be sexting, oral sex, making out, or petting. Sex is a subjective experience and involves whatever you want it to involve.

What is intimacy

While intimacy is often used colloquially as a synonym for sex – it definitely doesn’t have to include sex.

You see, intimacy is a broad term that can encompass everything from sex to spiritual conversation. In fact, according to Stephen T. Fife, there are 17 aspects of intimacy (18 in fact, if you separate general physical intimacy from sexual intimacy – which I generally do with my clients). 

Just like sex, intimacy is a subjectively defined experience. While the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “a situation in which you have a close friendship or sexual relationship with someone”, it’s often thought of as an intangible feeling.

You know when you have it (and when you don’t) – but to describe what it is to feel intimacy can be hard. 

Regardless of how you experience intimacy, most people would say that a relationship without it is unsatisfying. That it feels like something’s missing.

My free resource The Guide for Intimacy gives you access to tools that help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship – with or without sex.

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When sex and intimacy go hand-in-hand

While there is a difference between sex and intimacy, and they don’t always go hand-in-hand – they do for many people. In fact, a lot of couples in sexless relationships experience a lack of closeness and intimate connection when they’re not having sex. 

This is because it can sometimes offer us that special kind of intimacy that nothing else can. Where we feel like one. Where we find a wordless communication that somehow says everything we feel about one another. 

But then there’s the other side of the coin – where sexual closeness can sometimes trigger fear. 

Sexual intimacy can be scary

Sex can become intimidating and scary for many reasons. 

• Perhaps you haven’t had sex in a while and you’re worried about having really awkward sex with your partner
  
  
• Maybe you and your partner have been fighting about sex for months or years – leading to anxiety and pressure surrounding sex for one (or both of you)

• For some, sexual intimacy requires a level of vulnerability you just don’t feel safe sharing with another. Sometimes this has to do with your attachment style.
  

Regardless of the reason, I want you to know it’s not uncommon to find sex more stressful than not (even though society rarely talks about it this way). 

As a sex therapist over the last 8+ years, I’ve seen countless people who find even just the idea of sexual intimacy frightening. 

Emotional intimacy can be hard

Emotional closeness can also be anxiety-provoking. This is due to many different factors and can be closely tied to sex as well.  

For some, an active sex life creates the perfect conditions to cultivate emotional intimacy.

For others, the emotional foundation is needed first in order to want sex. In a relationship where you have differing entry points to sex and closeness, this can be hard to compromise around. 

The important thing to keep in mind here – is that neither of you are right nor wrong. This isn’t about sex vs intimacy, rather about your own subjective experiences of what is needed in order to want sex and to experience closeness. 

Can you have intimacy without sex?

In a word – yes. Sex isn’t required to feel that close bond with a partner or two. Whether this is because you find yourself in a period of low or no sex drive, or because you identify as asexual – sex isn’t needed per se. 

This of course becomes infinitely more complicated if you’re in a partnership where you don’t agree on sexual frequency or how much quality time is needed to feel truly close. 

If you find yourself stuck in the above situation, know there are plenty of ways around it without the low-desire partner having to schedule sex, or the high-desire partner having to go their whole lives without sex. 

What to do if you want more intimacy

If you feel like you’re growing apart emotionally (or sexually), it’s important to address the entirety of your situation. 

• Look at it from both partner’s angles; are there unresolved issues surrounding closeness and sex? What needs are being neglected and how can you start to tend to them?
  
  
• If you could take one small step today towards creating the relationship you want, what would it be? Biting the bullet and having that awkward conversation? Purchasing a couple’s exercise, joining an online course, or suggesting couples therapy?
  
  
• If you could do the same in order to meet your partner’s needs (even if they differ from your own), what would it be? Maybe more frequent hugs and kisses would suffice for now? Or perhaps it’s about going on a fun date night?

The truth is – intimacy once lost – whether sexual or emotional – can be regained.

But in order for it to happen, you need to be proactive.

You might have to have an awkward conversation or two. But what’s waiting on the other side is worth it.

If there’s still love there – you’ve so much to gain from putting in the work.