Sex Repulsed: What Does it Mean and is it Normal?

6 minute read

Ever felt disgusted by sex? Maybe you’ve wondered why you don’t want sex anymore? Or maybe you feel like no part of you’s interested. If so, you may identify as being sex repulsed. 

But there’s also a chance you’re experiencing what’s known as sex aversion with accompanying low libido – or that you simply identify as asexual. 

Sex repulsion and aversion are seldom-talked-about experiences that plague more people than you might think. It’s estimated 4.5% of women and 2.4% of men experience persistent feelings of sexual aversion.

And living in a society where wanting sex is seen as a given can make feelings of disgust and anxiety about sex even harder to deal with. 

What it Means to Be Sex Repulsed

To be sex repulsed can mean different things to different people. In general though, the repulsion centers around the sexual act.

Maybe you find just the notion of sleeping with someone disgusting, or the concept of sex feels wholly uninteresting to you. 

Perhaps there are specific parts of sex that give you “the ick”. Like performing oral sex or having vaginal sex. According to LGBTQIA+ Wiki, feeling repulsed by certain sexual practices but not others usually has you leaning towards being more sex-ambivalent though, than sex repulsed. 

One of the main things some say sets sex repulsion and sex aversion apart is that sex aversion is being averse to the idea of you yourself having sex. Sex repulsion is the notion that sex as a phenomenon (whether it includes you or not), is unwanted and repulsive. 

If this sounds like you, know this isn’t a set of diagnostic criteria. Sex repulsion is not a clinical diagnosis rather it’s a way of feeling and being. For some, it’s one that also goes hand in hand with asexuality, but for others, it does not. 

Asexuality and Sex Repulsion

Asexuality is a sexual identity spectrum. For some, it means experiencing a lack of sexual and romantic attraction, whereas others feel attraction once they’ve fallen in love with someone. Sometimes those who are asexual experience a desire for sex but often they don’t. 

Being asexual doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it’s an identity like any other. Certain people who are asexual simultaneously feel a repulsion towards the concept of sex. 

What Does it Mean to be Sex Averse?

Sexual aversion, while closely related to sexual repulsion, isn’t necessarily the same thing. In Principles & Practice of Sex Therapy, it’s described as: “Sex is experienced as inherently disgusting”

A number of years ago being sex averse was classified as a diagnosis in The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders). In fact, it was seen as one of two sexual desire diagnoses.

In order to fulfil the criteria, you had to experience “persistent or recurrent extreme aversion to, and avoidance of, all or almost all, genital sexual contact with a sexual partner” 

However, with the updated version of the DSM, sex aversion stopped being its own diagnosis. It was moved to the diagnosis of Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder (GPPD). This diagnosis is often described as a phobia of sorts – where one theory is that GPPD is developed as a result of a fear of sex. 

This was, and still is, a controversial decision. It’s one based on an understanding of sex aversion being part phobia and part result of another sexual issue, such as pain during sex.

However, sexual aversion can also (understandably so) go hand-in-hand with a sexual desire disorder, which, as mentioned above, was how it used to be understood. This coincidentally, can also go hand in hand with GPPD. Because why would you desire sex if it’s painful and feels inherently disgusting?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Why do we become sex repulsed?

It’s not known what causes repulsion of sex, and this largely has to do with conflicting ideas about what constitutes repulsion vs what constitutes aversion.

• For instance, if aversion has you turning off your TV because you feel disgusted by a sex scene, is that because you’re actually sex repulsed and always have been?
  
  Or is it a reaction to negative messages about sex or pressure you feel to have sex because of your partner’s raging libido?
  
  
  • If it’s because of the latter – that would indicate you could change things and start to want to want sex again, right?
    
• And if sex repulsion sometimes goes hand-in-hand with an asexual identity, could being repulsed by sex be seen as a human variation that cannot and should not be aimed to be “fixed”?
  
  
• Furthermore, if sex repulsion arises because you were sexually assaulted in the past, grew up with negative religious messaging surrounding sex, or were shamed for liking sex by your parents – does that mean it’s repulsion or does that mean it’s aversion?

Low Libido and Sex Repulsion

As mentioned earlier, sex aversion used to be conceptualized as one of two low libido diagnoses in the DSM.

While it is no longer an official diagnosis, what I see as a sex therapist and intimacy coach among my clients, is that low or non-existent libido often leads to aversion or repulsion over time. 

Maybe having sex produces anxiety, or just the thought of kissing your partner makes you recoil. Sometimes it can almost feel like an outright fear of sex, such as Erotophobia.

And other times the aversion isn’t only contained to partner sex and masturbation. Simply reading about sex or coming across a sex scene on a TV show can lead to avoidance. 

This again, makes complete sense.

Because desiring sex hinges on liking the idea of sex. If you’ve previously only had or recently had negative experiences of sex, whether forceful or plainly unpleasurable sex – of course you won’t want it. 

This is because desire, while thought of as a hormonal, biological urge, is far more complicated. It’s not like our other basic urges, such as thirst or tiredness. It’s an emotion that is affected by our thoughts, feelings and experiences surrounding sex.

What You Can Do if You’re Sex Averse or Sex Repulsed

If you recognise yourself avoiding sex or feeling repulsed by it, you may be wondering if you should do something about it. 

The choice is entirely up to you. Because you could go your whole life without sex and nothing would be wrong with that.

However, if you used to desire sex and enjoy it, or deep down have only had negative experiences but feel like sex could be something you could want in the future – there are things you can do about it.

This is especially true if things in your past would explain your negative feelings about sex. Things such as mismatched libidos and constant arguing in your relationship, or sexual assault. 

If you already know you’re ready to take that next step towards wanting sex and no longer avoiding it – there are lots of paths forward.

One is my free resource, The Desire Test, that helps you work out why you feel the way you feel. The answers will guide you to knowing what you can do to actually desire it again.