The Ultimate Guide To Causes Of Low Libido In Women (& What To Do About Them)
23 minute read
Low sex drive? You’re not alone. In fact, you’re 1 in 3 who experience low sex drive. In this ultimate guide, you’ll learn about lots of causes of low libido in women – 17 to be exact – all with corresponding solutions on increasing libido in women.
Because it truly is possible to get your sex drive back – even if you haven’t wanted sex for months (or years!).
The Secret To Getting Your Sex Drive Back
As a clinical sexologist, I see women daily who don’t want sex anymore and don’t understand why. They feel stressed, anxious and often start questioning their relationship or marriage.
A lot of them are doing All The Things to turn themselves on: date nights, massage oils, sex toys, weekends away, and new positions, but none of it is working.
And the thing is, this makes perfect sense.
Everything going on around you – dirty dishes piling up, or children in the background – and everything going on within you – stress about sex, or worrying about your health – all affects your sex drive.
It truly is possible to increase your libido, but in order to do this, you need to start from the beginning: by working out why it’s gone in the first place.
If you want to dig even deeper from the get-go, grab my free resource, The Desire Test, that helps you pinpoint all of the reasons behind your low libido – giving you the ultimate starting point from which you can regain your sex drive.
Why don’t I feel like having sex anymore?
When you’re asking yourself “why don’t I feel like having sex anymore” there’s one thing you need to know; there are likely lots of reasons why.
While a lot of us have grown up with the belief that libido is simple – a biological urge – it’s actually far more complicated than that. As a sex therapist and coach specializing in sexual desire, I can tell you that it’s multi-faceted. Your physiology is only responsible for part of your desire, not all of it.
Once you look beyond your biology – you’ll likely find there are lots of psychological, relationship and even cultural reasons, why your desire is lacking.
The good news about this is that when you know all the reasons why you don’t want sex anymore – you also know exactly what you need to do to start longing for it again.
Because the truth is, you can’t feel like having sex again if your low libido is shrouded in mystery. When this happens you often find yourself trying anything and everything to increase it – only to feel like nothing is working.
This in turn creates a negative cycle that causes more frustration and hopelessness, leading to you desperately try more things. Only to realize yet again that nothing is moving the needle.
You don’t need more frustration – you need clarity, and this in-depth guide will help you work out what’s really going on. And what can be done.
Causes of Low Libido in Women
Low libido is complex – and more often than not, it arises from several factors, not just one. To get the whole picture, it’s important to reflect on your desire from a biological, psychological, relationship and cultural perspective.
Biological & Medical Reasons for Low Libido in Women
Below are three examples of biological and medical reasons that might be one of the factors responsible for your low libido.
1. You have a chronic illness
Conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure and thyroid issues are all examples of causes of low libido in women – and can also affect your sexual arousal abilities negatively.
Solution: If you’re already being treated for a chronic health condition by your doctor, you might want to book an appointment with a sex therapist regarding your libido. We’re used to helping clients with pre-existing conditions create the sex lives they want.
2. You’re on medication
Medication is a great way of treating various mental or physical conditions, however, a lot of times medicine comes with less than great side effects. One medication, that can wreak havoc on your sex drive, is the popular antidepressant.
It’s commonly used for treating depression and anxiety. Especially those known as SSRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs, tricyclic antidepressants, and tetracyclic antidepressants, can lead to a lacklustre libido.
Solution: If your libido suddenly decreased upon the onset of your medication, this might be the root cause of your low sex drive. Talk to your doctor about the possibility of switching to an antidepressant with fewer sexual side effects, such as: Bupropion, Mirtazapine, Vilazodone or Vortioxetine.
3. You use hormonal birth control
Some medical professionals and researchers argue that hormonal birth control is one of the causes of low libido in women, whereas others say it doesn’t affect sex drive at all.
However, even if the scientific community hasn’t yet reached a consensus on the matter, it doesn’t mean you should neglect the possibility that it might be one of the factors contributing to your low libido.
Solution: If you see a clear pattern of your libido decreasing as soon as you started your hormonal birth control, you might want to talk to your doctor about the possibility of other options. There are lots of other ways of protecting against unwanted pregnancy. Examples of non-hormonal contraceptives include an IUD and condoms.
4. You’ve transitioned into menopause
Menopause is a common cause of low libido in women – and one that simultaneously is easily overlooked. While menopause doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be asking yourself “why don’t I feel like having sex?” – it’s important to address its possible side effects on your desire, arousal capabilities, orgasm strength, and overall sexual pleasure.
When you transition into menopause your estrogen levels drop. This can, among other things, cause your vagina to become less elasticated. Beyond affecting your desire and arousal levels, this in turn can lead to general discomfort and pain during sex, too. And pain is seldom an aphrodisiac(!).
Solution: Book an appointment with your doctor to assess hormone levels and possible hormone replacement therapy. You might be offered local estrogen supplements or estrogen pills and creams in order to alleviate the sexual side effects of menopause.
What age is women’s libido lowest?
Libido in people of any gender waxes and wanes throughout life. In some seasons we may want sex all of the time, and in others, sex falls down our priority list.
While it may be tempting to assume that we all stop wanting sex as we age – many women continue to have satisfying sex lives despite the ageing process.
As mentioned previously, menopause can lead to low sex drive – but it’s not a given. What’s more – it’s easy to fall prey to the idea that fluctuating hormones are the only cause of low libido in women. However, a loss of sex drive due to ageing can also have a large psychological component.
For instance, a lot of women experience a loss of identity during menopause. They may not recognize their body, or feel their body is working against them causing hot flashes and anxiety. This can also negatively affect how much they feel in the mood for sex.
Whatever your age it’s never too late to seek help and work on increasing your sex drive. Because great sex and pleasure isn’t reserved for those of a certain age – it’s for everyone – if you want it.
Psychological Reasons for Low Sex Drive in Women
Common causes of low libido in women are often psychological in nature. The seven reasons listed below are the ones I see time and again in my private practice as a sex therapist. And if they sound like you – know it’s completely normal and also, fixable!
1. You don’t know what you like sexually
Out of all the clients I see as an online sex coach and therapist – not knowing what turns you on or what you want your sex life to look like, is the most common among those who identify as women.
Not knowing what you like is also one of the main reasons why some women do not want sex. And it makes sense, right? If you don’t know what you like about sex, why would you want to have it?
Solution: Exploring your sexuality and what turns you on is crucial if you want to increase your libido. This can be done in lots of ways – by reading a sexy book, watching an erotic film or fantasizing about someone you find appealing.
2. You’re not present during sex
Sex is both a bodily and mental experience. In order for us to enjoy and want sex, we have to be present during the sexual encounter.
Worrying about not feeling enough during sex, not lubricating quickly or stressing about work, brings us out of the moment and lowers our libido. In turn, this leads to our bodies and minds learning that sex is an unfulfilling experience – giving our sex drive less incentive to kick start next time sex is in the cards.
Solution: Mindfulness is a great way of learning how to cultivate presence during sex. It might be a bit of a buzz-word, but don’t knock it just yet – the research behind it is robust.
Dr. Lori Brotto has studied mindfulness interventions as a way of treating women’s sexual difficulties for over 18 years. It’s all about cultivating non-judgmental presence, which can increase your sex drive and sexual pleasure.
For more information about mindfulness and its benefits for women with a low sex drive check out this video below. Or head to my blog post all about how to get out of your head during sex.
3. You’re stressed (who isn’t?)
Stress is a bit of an epidemic. We’re stressed about the kids, finances, relationships, work and health. And with all the notifications on our devices going off at all hours of the day – it’s not a surprise we feel burned out.
Every time we’re stressed our bodies are adapting to what they believe is a potential threat – mobilising resources in our bodies to deal with the danger at hand.
And when our body’s stress response system is in full swing – we generally don’t want sex, because evolutionarily speaking, sex isn’t a great idea if we’re experiencing a potential threat. This is part of what makes stress one of the leading causes of low sex drive in women.
Fortunately, there are lots of ways of dealing with stress and increasing libido.
Solution: Mindfulness isn’t just a great way of increasing non-judgmental presence – it’s also effective at targeting the body’s stress response system, creating more calm. Download a mindfulness app or search for mindfulness exercises on Youtube (there are loads!).
4. You feel down or anxious
One of the overlooked causes of low libido in women, is difficulties dealing with emotions. Because feeling low or anxious isn’t enjoyable, we often try to shut these feelings down, instead of moving through them and letting them run their course. Over time, this can lead to depression and anxiety – and also low libido. Because anxiety and depression affect sexual desire negatively (most of the time).
Solution: Understanding your emotions and dealing with them head-on is a great way of reconnecting with yourself and your sexuality.
It might sound strange or counterintuitive – but it’s important to tune into all your emotions, not just the positive ones. This way you can get your sex drive back and feel better all round. My free resource A Manual For Emotions, helps you do this in three steps.
5. You feel unattractive
We’re constantly bombarded with images of “perfect” women. Media tells us what we’re meant to look like, how we’re meant to act, what our “problem areas” are and what we need in order to fix them.
These messages seep into our unconscious and can have a profound effect on how we view ourselves and feel about our bodies. Feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in our own skin, not only leads to us feeling bad generally – it’s also one of the causes of low libido in women.
Solution: If you feel like this might be one of the factors affecting your sex drive – working on your body image will be important. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is an evidence based strategy to improve your body image and increase libido.
6. You’re experiencing other sexual difficulties
It never rains but it pours – a quote which, unfortunately, also rings true when it comes to sexual difficulties. It’s not uncommon to have trouble orgasming or to experience pain during sex, if you also have low libido.
Sometimes, other sexual difficulties are one of the causes of low libido in women, other times they arise because of an already low sex drive.
Solution: If sex is painful, it’s always important to deal with this first. Booking an appointment with a gynaecologist is a good place to start. Once you know what you’re dealing with, it will be easier to know how to proceed to reduce the pain. Sometimes this is enough to increase libido on its own. Other times, you’ll need to make other changes too, to see an increase in your desire.
If you’re finding it hard to orgasm, this blog post on difficulty orgasming during sex offers expert advice. Once you try out the tips outlined in the blog post, you might find you’re more interested in sex, too!
7. You’re affected by past trauma
Being subjected to sex against your will is, unfortunately, common. As a sex therapist who has previously specialised in this area, I know all too well about sexual assault and its negative effects on physical, mental and sexual health. It’s one of the most common causes of low sex drive in women. And this is true no matter how far back the abuse goes.
Solution: If you’re a survivor of sexual assault, I want you to know it really is possible to get past your sexual difficulties. The best place to start is processing your experiences with a sex therapist or another mental health professional.
More information on how to regain your libido after sexual assault can be found in my blog post; can sexual desire be restored? (The answer – is yes).
WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Relationship Factors that Cause Low Desire in Women
Low libido doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed (or that your desire will never pick back up again). However, if you’re experiencing low sex drive it’s important to take a step back and examine your relationship. A lot of times, your connection with your partner – or lack thereof – affects how much you feel in the mood for sex.
1. You have sex to avoid conflict
If you’ve been sleeping with your partner to keep the peace or to make them happy – you’re not alone. It is, however, likely one of the big reasons behind your lacklustre libido.
Several studies show that the reasons we have sex, can affect our desire both positively and negatively.
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Having sex as a way of connecting or experiencing intimacy – leads to more satisfaction and a higher sex drive.
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Having sex as a means of avoiding conflict and irritation, is one of the common causes of low libido in women.
Sex turns into a chore, or worse – into something we dread. In some cases, it may even start to feel like you’re being used or sexually assaulted. For all of these reasons and more, it’s important to stop having sex you don’t want to have.
Solution: Learning how to communicate about sex is crucial if you want to get out a negative sex cycle. In my online program: Re:Desire, you get the tools and strategies necessary to get out of this hamster wheel of negative sexual experiences – and into a positive one, where you have sex because you want to have sex.
2. You’re arguing and misunderstanding each other
Research shows that conflict in relationships as well as general communication difficulties, are common causes of low libido in women. If you and your partner are constantly misunderstanding each other or feel like the other is annoying – it makes perfect sense you don’t want to have sex with them, right?
Solution: In my free resource, Talking Sex, there are several exercises on how to avoid misunderstandings and conflict about sex. You and your partner will be able to pinpoint where things go wrong in your communication. You’ll also get tips on how to change it, so you can get back to an intimate and loving connection.
3. You’ve been together for ages
For a lot of us, long relationships or marriages are the goal. However, in some ways, reaching this goal can be an antidote to our sex drives.
Although the novelty of a new partner is popularly thought to be more important to men’s libido than women’s, a study by Murray & Milhausen (2012) would have us believe otherwise. The study concluded that the length of a relationship seemed to be more detrimental to women’s sexual desire than men’s.
Long-term monogamous relationships are also iterated as a cause of low libido in Bergner’s book ”What Women Want”. Research also shows that for all genders, sexual desire naturally decreases about 6 months to 2,5 years into the relationship.
So, if you’ve been in your relationship for a long time – chances are the length in and of itself, might be one of the reasons you’re experiencing low sex drive.
Solution: Don’t fret – you don’t necessarily have to end things with your partner to get your sex drive back. There are lots of ways of keeping your relationship alive and creating desire within a long relationship.
One way, often talked about by psychotherapist Esther Perel, is cultivating your own identity so you don’t fuse together. Another, is by joining my online coaching program: Re:Desire. It’s filled with tips and tools to understand and get your sex drive back. And with continuous 1:1 support to make sure you create an intimate, fulfilling sex life.
4. You’re experiencing a lack of intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy is often thought to be part of what triggers sexual desire. Because of this, a disconnect with your partner – can negatively affect your libido. One of the causes of low libido in women, is in fact a lack of intimacy in the relationship.
Solution: Increasing intimacy doesn’t have to be complicated. To make it simple, you can use my free resource Intimate Q&A. It contains a series of quotes and corresponding questions about sex and emotions to help you and your partner get closer – in turn, increasing libido.
Cultural Causes of Female Low Sex Drive
Society has a sneaky way of impacting women’s libido. It might sound strange – but more often than not, our culture shapes how we feel about intimacy and our sexuality. This is why cultural factors are some of the most common causes of low libido in women.
1. You feel embarrassed or ashamed about what turns you on
What we like sexually might not always be what we think we should like. As women, we’re often taught that sex is dirty – and the less our turn-ons align with messages about female sexuality in the media, the more we can feel uncomfortable about what we like.
According to sex researcher Lehmiller, fantasizing about BDSM, open relationships, threesomes and orgies are all common examples of sexual fantasies. But if your fantasies make you feel bad – it might be one of the reasons you don’t want to have sex right now.
Solution: Moving past the shame that’s blocking your desire is important if you want to get in the mood again. This blog post on the impact of shame and other negative emotions during sex might help you understand more about why you’re feeling shame and how it’s affecting your libido.
Learning to be present in your mind and body, even if what’s going on is shameful, can help you move through the shame and go from no sex drive to lots of it. This can be done by exploring self-compassion through mindfulness exercises. You’ll find lots of these for free, on Youtube
2. You play the comparison game
Sex is everywhere – it’s on tv, it’s in books, it even shows up in our social media feeds. It’s easy to get the idea that everyone else is having great, adventurous sex, and explosive orgasms, all the time.
For a lucky few, this may be the case, but for most of us, sex isn’t always that easy. And comparing ourselves to the messages we consume about sex, is one of the causes of low libido in women.
Solution: Challenge yourself when you notice you’re comparing yourself to what “others” do sexually. How do you know this is true? And even if it is true – in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?
Your sexuality is yours and what you need to do get aroused or feel sexy may not be what someone else needs. Let the rest be them and you be you.
If you want tried and tested ways of letting go of society’s pressures surrounding sex – join my coaching program: Re:Desire. It’s jam-packed with tools and techniques to help you understand your sex drive and sexuality – and increase low libido. The bite-sized lessons and exercises, paired with weekly 1:1 coaching, creates an unparalleled experience to make sure you reach your goals.
WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
3. You’re affected by your upbringing
The messages we receive about sex affect how we feel about ourselves, our bodies and sex in general. These messages are often passed down to us not only through media, but also from our parents.
As this is one of the causes of low sex drive in women, you’ll want to consider how your upbringing has affected the way you think and feel about sex.
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Perhaps you have difficulties letting go because you were taught that sex was somehow dirty or not ok to enjoy?
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Or maybe sex was something only meant for marriage?
Whatever the message, it’s probably affecting you right now, whether you’re conscious of it or not.
Solution: Working through the messages you received about sex is important. Because shame usually runs deep, seeking sex therapy is the most effective way of doing this.
Talking about sex with a complete stranger might feel a little daunting – but trust me we’ve seen and heard it all and nothing embarrasses us. Sex therapists do all we can to make sure the conversation is as easy and comfortable as possible.
Now You Know the Causes of Low Sex Drive in Women – What’s Next?
Feel overwhelmed after reading about all of the causes of low sex drive in women? You’re not alone. Long articles like these can sometimes feel like a tonne of heavy bricks.
Because suddenly we realise there is so much more going on underneath the surface.
That just trying a few new sex positions won’t change our lack of desire.
And this can be daunting. But, as a sex therapist, I can tell you this is actually good news. ‘Cause it means the steps you take from here on out are much more likely to change things for real.
But before you head off to determine your unique desire obstacles, here’s an important tip. Try flipping the script on the question we’ve been asking ourselves in this article.
Instead of asking yourself why you don’t want sex, ask yourself why you would want sex in this particular season of life.
Because chances are, your low desire makes so much more sense than you can possibly know right now. And you can’t see it yet, because you’re stuck in ideas about something being wrong with you for not wanting sex.
Something being broken, or lost, or irreparable.
When we feel like we should want sex because our partner wants it, or because we’re in a loving relationship – it causes internal pressure.
It feeds us with unhelpful thoughts about what our lack of desire means, inevitably pushing us further away from a pleasurable sex life. (Read more about unhelpful myths about low desire in this blog post on why couples stop having sex).
By flipping the script and asking yourself; why would you, or anyone for that matter, want sex right now, you increase feelings of compassion for yourself.
And when you couple this compassion towards yourself, with the knowledge of causes of low sex drive in women – you’ll be able to make a clean, fresh start to your sex life.
Increasing Libido In Women
When it all comes down to it – know this: it won’t always be this way (even if it may feel like it right now – especially if you have no sex drive and it’s ruining your relationship). This is a common feeling to have, but it’s not the truth. Because there are lots of ways of increasing libido in women – and maybe what you’ve tried up until now just hasn’t been targeting the right area.
When this happens, it can feel like a personal failure.
Like it’ll never change.
That sex is something you’ll never want or enjoy again.
That sex is for everyone else – not you.
This isn’t true.
It is possible to get your sex drive back – and understanding why your libido is gone in the first place – is one of the most important parts.
Your sex drive can be negatively affected by things like stress, medications, not being present in the moment, feeling unattractive, having sex to avoid conflict, shame about your turn-ons & comparing your sex life to that of others.
Now you know the common causes of low libido in women, it’s time to work out which factors are responsible for your low libido. You can do this by downloading my free resource The Desire Test. In it, you get guided instructions on how to easily pinpoint your root causes of low sex drive. It’s based on my extensive experience as a sex therapist, as well as sexological science and best practices.
Causes Of Low Libido In Women: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
The most important thing to consider first is to rule out whether or not your birth control is actually the main culprit causing your low sex drive. Because while birth control certainly can lead to low libido – it isn’t a given.
In order to determine whether it might be the main cause, think back to when you started your birth control and what your desire was like – if it was higher than now, did it rapidly decrease at the onset of the birth control or has it been a steady decline ever since?
For a lot of women in long-term relationships, desire declines naturally after about 6 months to 2,5 years in a relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to a low sex drive just because you’ve found someone you want to live your life with (there’s lots you can do to increase sex drive even in long-term relationships). However, it’s important to take this into consideration so you don’t go switching up your birth control unnecessarily.
If you reach the conclusion that your birth control is the main cause – see your OB-GYN to discuss switching birth control methods. This can also be paired with seeing a sex therapist to work on possible psychological and relationship factors that might be maintaining low desire, even when you switch your birth control. Because the longer you’ve gone with low desire, the likelier it is that there’s more than one reason.
The most important first step is to identify why you have low libido. If you skip this step you’ll likely try a lot of different things to get your sex drive back that won’t work. In turn, this will create frustration and hopelessness fuelling even lower desire and more anxiety surrounding your lack of sex drive.
To work out what might be the cause you’ll want to take a holistic approach considering your possible relationship and its impacts, psychological causes that might be negatively affecting your desire, and biological and medical reasons.
Once you know where the issues lie – that’s when you can make a change. Some common ways to increase female libido are:
– Working on the emotional connection between you and your partner
– Increasing general physical intimacy
– Switching birth control or medications
– Fantasizing about sex
– Introducing novelty to the bedroom
– Reducing pressure surrounding sex
– Communicating more about sex and expressing your wants, needs and boundaries
When you have low sex drive it can be tempting to try and find a quick fix such as a vitamin or medication to increase your desire. While a vitamin deficiency might be part of why you have low desire, it likely isn’t the whole cause. Because the thing is, desire is much more complicated than simply a biological urge – it’s affected by psychological, relationship, and even cultural factors. This means sex drive isn’t just a matter of your physiology, and looking to increase it through a vitamin likely won’t be sufficient.
For decades the medical industry has worked on developing various medications for low sex drive in females such as Flibanserin and Bremelanotide. These medications cause a lot of side effects such as headaches and nausea and are quite ineffective in increasing desire, too. For this reason alone it’s important to consider other ways of getting your sex drive back such as sex therapy, alongside getting some blood work done. This will shine a light on all possible factors contributing to your low libido and ways of increasing it.
It can be confusing and worrying when you never want to have sex anymore. The good news is you don’t have to settle for a low or non-existent sex drive. In fact, there are lots of things you can do to start wanting sex again. It all starts with asking yourself the most important question: why are you not in the mood for sex anymore. When you answer that question you’ll also know what you need to tend to to get your libido back.
Common reasons for not being in the mood for sex are:
Biological causes such as hormonal birth control, menopause or chronic illnesses like hypothyroidism or diabetes.
Psychological causes such as feeling unattractive, depressed or anxious, or experiencing shame and embarrassment surrounding sex.
Relationship causes such as feeling pressure to have sex, high levels of conflict in your relationship and feeling a lack of emotional intimacy.
Cultural causes of low desire are comparing your sex life to how you think it should look according to society, or feeling like you’re broken because you believe you should want sex all of the time like the media suggests.
The above clearly shows how low libido can be multi-faceted and how truly understanding what’s going on underneath the surface will point you to the solution/s so you can long to have sex again and revel in the pleasure.
Created 18/08/2020. Last updated 21/12/2023.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
