Updated 5th December 2024. First published 26th December 2022
8 minute read
When it comes to keeping your sex life sizzling, one common piece of advice you’ll hear from sex therapists or coaches is to schedule sex.
And while this advice can sometimes be why some relationships stand the test of time – they’re not for everyone. In fact for some, they make it worse. Let’s get into it.
Scheduling sex is when you plan to engage in sex with your partner. Instead of leaving sex up to chance or as the last thing on your mental to-do list, sex becomes a priority – because you’re literally putting it on the calendar.
You’re making time for sex and romance, and this can be great when life is stressful, you’re feeling tired or you just don’t think sex will happen unless you actually plan to have it.
Some also swear by it – saying it removes the pressure from always asking yourself “are we having enough sex?”
While scheduling intimacy implies sex – it isn’t necessarily only about the sex itself. Instead, it’s about the whole experience you’ll share together. It’s about the anticipation of doing something fun with your partner. And sex is perhaps merely something that will happen in the context of that day or date.
But the thing about scheduling sex dates is – even if they can be helpful in keeping your relationship alive and infusing your bond with some much-needed romance – they don’t always work.
I have spent years working with couples whose sex lives don’t benefit from scheduling intimacy.
Where just the act of putting sex on the calendar causes even more pressure and stress and makes sex even less appealing than it already is.
If this is you, you might be experiencing low desire or perhaps your partner’s sex drive is high compared to yours, causing you to feel like you’re always lacking in the libido department.
A lot of times, when you’ve struggled to navigate differences in desire in your relationship, you’ve often tried lots of things to make the situation better. Stuff like watching an erotic film or porn, or even wearing sexy lingerie. All in hopes it will bring your sexual desire flooding back to you. So you can celebrate the love you still feel for your partner (even if romance has been lacking for a long time).
But these tips never really worked – and by the time you get the advice to schedule intimacy – you’ve already started building a relationship with sex that’s more negative than positive.
And when this happens – the very idea of sex causes you stress.
Or the idea of being close to your partner in any way at all (holding hands, no thank you!) causes you stress.
Because even if scheduling intimacy can be really helpful for getting back into an active sex life – it usually has the reverse effect if you’re already stressed about sex.
On the other hand – if you’re not too stressed about sex, and feel like part of the reason it never happens is that you never really think about sex – then a sex date could be just the thing you need.
When done right – putting sex on the itinerary can be a great reminder that the romantic part of your relationship is there – it just needs time and nurturing.
The important thing here to get it right, is to not just think of a scheduled sex as time spent having sex.
Because the point isn’t to plan out incredibly monotonous sex – like: “at 8:56pm we’re going to start kissing. And then it moves on to petting, and then we’ll have vaginal penetrative sex in the missionary position.”
This kind of planning usually leads to less excitement and sometimes, even dread.
And that this quality time – will hopefully lead to sizzling sex.
You don’t have to know what kind of sex you’ll be having or when you should be initiating sex during the date.
Rather, the perspective shift needed here is – setting aside time for your love to grow and to have fun together. Fun that will hopefully lead to mutually satisfying sex. Because what’s the point of sex if you’re not enjoying it, right?
But beyond sex dates creating quality time – they’re also a great way of exploring your sexuality together. In fact, if you’re the kind of person who feels like you would like to experiment, you could dedicate some scheduled intimacy solely to exploration.
That way you don’t risk your partner feeling upset or taking your need to spice things up – as something personal. Because you won’t be telling your partner a long laundry list of things you don’t like or want to change.
You will be planning sex where the only goal is for you to explore stuff you’ve never done before. Leaving lots of room for silly trial and error, and awkward giggles, as you navigate new sexual territory together.
Important to note though is – if you’re the kind of person who gets stressed just thinking about sex – planning an exploratory sex date probably isn’t right for you. This – just like traditional scheduled sex – will likely cause more pressure.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
For a lot of people – they place huge emphasis on spontaneity.
They feel sex should occur spontaneously, as well as desire, and that the right kinds of relationships are effortless and don’t need any maintenance to keep the butterflies going.
These kinds of relationships have been elevated by our culture. They’re depicted in books, film and even in our own fantasies. And they teach us that sex that is spontaneous is superior to things like schedule sex or your run-of-the-mill date nights.
Because of this – it makes complete sense that having to plan a sex date in order for sex to happen – makes you feel like your relationship is somehow not “meant to be”. Or like there’s something wrong with you or your partner if you don’t have amazing sex, effortlessly
None of this is true and feeds further into the deep-seated myths around why couples stop having sex – that you’re not meant to be.
And even if you would prefer things to come spontaneously and naturally, it’s important to ask yourself – is the idea of spontaneity more important than spending quality time together?
If scheduling sex is what will cause you to have more fun together, and help your relationship to be healthier and stronger – are you willing to do it?
Even if it goes against all of the things that a lot of us on a subconscious level, desire?
Cultural phenomena such as Disney and Hollywood (and even porn), have filled our brains with nonsensical ideas about how romance should happen. Oftentimes clouding our judgment about our very real relationship. One that might need a little help from time to time – even if it’s based on love.
Eventually leading you and your partner to miss out on the stuff that you still want deep down. Closeness, intimacy, connection.
Because you’re hell-bent on things happening the way you’ve been taught they should happen – spontaneously and effortlessly. As opposed to them happening at all – with a little effort and planning.
So – if you’re wondering whether scheduling sex is something you should introduce into your relationship – remember to keep a few things in mind:
And if you would like help with other ways, (beyond scheduling), to spark desire and connect with your partner – you can always enlist the help of a sex therapist, like myself.
Check out all of my services here to make your relationship fun, sexy, and intimate again – (no sense of obligation) Because it’s possible – for you too.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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