4 Reasons Knowing What Kills Sexual Desire Could Improve Your Sex Life

6 min read

Improving your sex life isn’t necessarily about fancy toys or role-play — it’s about knowing what kills sexual desire (and how to deal with it).

As a clinical sexologist and sex coach, a large part of my job is helping clients figure out their turn-offs and guiding them on how to manage them. Because no matter how in love you are, after years together, you will come up against desire obstacles. Knowing what they are will make all the difference.  

Four Reasons You Need to Know What Kills Sexual Desire

1. You can get rid of desire obstacles

Desire isn’t just about what turns us on, it’s also about what turns us off and navigating these turn-offs. When you know what kills sexual desire — you can get rid of all the obstacles standing in the way and have truly great sex. 

Obstacles can come in many forms, but oftentimes, for my clients with low desire, they have to do with feelings of pressure and stress about sex. 

Say you’re feeling really jazzed about date night and looking forward to connecting with your partner, emotionally. But the minute you get home from the restaurant, they slide their hand down your back in that way, and you instantly feel stressed and annoyed. 

You know what your partner wants and all of a sudden there’s no part of you that wants it. No matter how great the evening has been up ‘till that point. 

Why? Because the way your partner tries to start a sexual encounter, stresses you out. 

Knowing that a major desire obstacle is the way your partner initiatives sex, will help you remove this obstacle. This can be done in a myriad of ways. One of the easiest ones is letting your partner know how you want them to initiate. You might also try to initiate sex yourself, and see how that feels.

When you know about all obstacles to your desire, you can create more desire and passion in the bedroom. The kind that makes your toes curl and your body shiver with delight.

If you want help working out your unique sexual obstacles, my free quiz The Desire Test, will help you do just that. 

2. You can be more lenient with yourself

Sex drive isn’t just a biological durge, it’s a complex emotion affected by a whole host of things. And knowing what these things are, means you can know there’s nothing wrong with you for having low desire at a specific point in time. 

So many of my clients feel like they’re broken or like there’s something wrong with them. And part of this feeling stems from viewing desire as a basic need, such a hunger and thirst. 

Who can blame them? We were never taught about sex drive in school. Add to that, most of us didn’t have parents that wanted to engage in a lengthy talks about the “birds and the bees”

But when we learn how desire actually works and we know deep down how complicated desire can be, we can also accept when we’re not in the mood. This is because we understand why we aren’t. 

And with less pressure and stress to feel desire we, paradoxically, create an environment where desire might flow more easily. 

Want your sex drive back?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Download the quiz and you also get instant get access to my, deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

3. You know when sex is a good idea and when it’s not 

Just as it’s important to know your desire obstacles, it’s equally as important to know when trying to move past them just isn’t a good idea. 

There are times in our lives when sex is something we want or even need.

We crave the touch of our partner and want to connect intimately.

But there are other times when connecting on a sexual level isn’t a good idea. When trying to help our partner remove these obstacles or removing our own obstacles, shouldn’t be a priority. 

If you know:

• your partner is feeling stressed about a deadline at work
• they’re worried about the kids,
• if you yourself feel like you “should” have sex with your partner but you’re struggling to get just one night to yourself — it might be better to hold off on sexual advances. Sex and stress are seldom a match made in heaven, anyway.

This will help keep conflicts about sex at bay and enhance emotional intimacy in the long-run. Because when we respect what our partner is going through, or respect what we ourselves are going through – the pressure and stress surrounding sex melts away, resulting in a win-win for our love life. 

4. You have less conflicts about sex

We often talk about how hard it can be to be the partner with low desire in a relationship (and rightfully so!). But wanting sex more often than your partner can be equally as taxing. 

Constantly being turned down or being the sole initiator of sex, can make us feel like our partner has fallen out of love. For some, it feels like our partner no longer finds us attractive. 

However, when you know what kills sexual desire, you can more easily detach from your partner’s low libido. You can know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that cold they haven’t gotten over yet, their worry about their un-well uncle, or even their own struggles with body image. 

This enables you to be more lenient with yourself and your partner, which in turn, reduces conflicts about sex.

With less hurt feelings and arguments surrounding sex, it’s easier for us to connect emotionally and physically. This is because sex isn’t equated with something negative and stressful. In the end this is what really helps create more long-term desire and intimacy. 

The secret to how to keep a relationship alive with passion and improve your sex life isn’t so much about lube and gadgets. While they may help add some spice — the stuff that really moves the needle is understanding what kills sexual desire. When you know this you can create the sex life you want because you’re easier on yourself and your partner. It’s that simple. 

If you’re looking to get your sex drive back and increase intimacy and closeness *without* pressure and stress — apply for my online program Re:Desire. Re:Desire is a high-touch progam combining both 1:1 support elements and powerful curriculum. Get your application in today and receive access to my exclusive training for accepted applicants only.